Go Love Your Wife Again Even Though She Has Committed Adultery With Another Lover
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The general thinking virtually why people cheat on a committed relationship partner is that in that location is a problem with either the cheater or the relationship. Oft, nosotros assume that cheaters take a pathology, some unresolved trauma or dysfunction, or at best a grade of emotional immaturity, that pushes them into infidelity. Other times, we presume that the principal relationship is flawed in some meaning mode that creates a perceived need for external sex and intimacy. Either mode, nosotros tend to view adultery as symptomatic of underlying problems. The cheater and/or the human relationship is troubled, and cheating is the issue.
And guess what, more oftentimes than not, this is the case. Sometimes the cheater has an attachment arrears disorder. Sometimes the cheater has unresolved babyhood trauma and uses the excitement of illicit sex and romance as a lark from painful feelings. Sometimes the cheater knows that he or she is in a lousy relationship and uses those feelings to justify the infidelity or to locate a new partner before abandoning the old one. Sometimes the primary human relationship lacks sexual fire or emotional intimacy, and so the cheater has a ane-night stand or an affair to fill the void. And and then it goes.
That said, the cause-and-effect model described higher up doesn't fully explain all infidelity. Over the years, I've had endless clients tell me that they dear their spouse, they take a great human relationship, they savour each other'south company, they respect each other, they're attracted to each other, the sexual practice is good, and there are no money or family or other obvious human relationship problems. The only real issue is that they're cheating, and they can't, or don't, desire to stop.
Then there the cheater sits, happy in his or her relationship, merely nevertheless cheating and wondering why. "Surely," the cheater says, "there must be something wrong with me or with my human relationship, or I wouldn't be doing this." And typically, a therapist will start to explore those possibilities with them, searching for an obvious underlying trouble to explore and accost.
What I take learned over the course of well-nigh three decades as a therapist specializing in sex and intimacy bug is that adultery is often a symptom of a flawed personality or relationship, but not e'er. Some people are reasonably emotionally healthy and in a wonderful primary relationship, and they still choose to cheat. And this is true for both men and women.
Esther Perel, who verbalizes this idea in her book The State of Diplomacy, suggests four reasons why people who are by and large well adjusted and happy in their primary relationship might however engage in infidelity, risking their marriage, their home, their family, their continuing in their church or customs, and more than.
1. Self-Exploration
Searching for a new sense of self is probable the nearly powerful of these reasons (and it may encompass the other three). About this, Perel writes:
People stray for a multitude of reasons, and every time I think I have heard them all, a new variation emerges. But i theme comes up repeatedly: affairs as a form of self-discovery, a quest for a new (or a lost) identity. For these seekers, infidelity is less likely to be a symptom of a problem and is more often described as an expansive experience that involves growth, exploration, and transformation.
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For these cheaters, infidelity is an exploration of never experienced or long-repressed parts of the self. It is freedom from who they accept been and currently are. Interestingly, they usually don't want to change who they are; they simply want to escape those constraints for a short while — to feel young again, to feel unburdened, to explore and abound and feel life. When these individuals cheat, they're not looking for another person, they're looking for themselves (or, at the very least, for a lost or long-ignored aspect of themselves.)
2. The Seductive Nature of Transgression
Sometimes happy people who cheat say they feel like a teenager when they're sneaking around and having sexual practice or an matter. It'southward exciting and forbidden, and they get a kick out of breaking the rules. Information technology's like a 5-year-old sneaking a cookie that his female parent said he couldn't have. The forbidden cookie but tastes extra sweet.
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In his book, The Erotic Mind, Jack Morin discusses this phenomenon from a sexual perspective with his erotic equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement. That is the seductive nature of the transgression. Considering the cheater is not supposed to have extracurricular sexual practice and romance, he or she wants it even more than. For children and teens, pushing limits in this way is a natural exploration of cocky and the world. Every bit an adult, infidelity can feel like more than of the same.
3. The Attraction of Lives Not Lived
Here, instead of transgression, it's missed opportunities that draw cheaters in. They think virtually the one that got away, or the one that never was, or the life they could take had if only . . . This may cause them to feel express and fenced in by the life and relationship they've chosen — regardless of how much they enjoy that life and relationship. So, they indulge their marvel. They utilize extracurricular sex activity to run across who they might have been if they'd opted for a different path. Again, this is a course of cocky-exploration, where adultery introduces the private to the stranger inside.
four. Feeling New or Exiled Emotions
Lastly, happy people who crook may do then to experience new or exiled emotions. Once again, this is a form of self-exploration. Men tin be particularly vulnerable to this, every bit they are often told, as they abound upward, to repress and non express their emotions. Over fourth dimension, they learn to "cowboy up" and non experience. Unfortunately, in and so doing they ofttimes stifle joy likewise as sorrow, pleasance as well as pain. For these individuals, regardless of gender, infidelity is more of an emotional release than a sexual release. And once again, these cheaters are exploring their inner self.
Whatsoever the Reason, Cheating Hurts
Are some reasons for adulterous better than others? And does the reply to that question actually matter? From the perspective of the betrayed partner, probably not. For the betrayed partner, sexual betrayal hurts the same, no thing the underlying cause, and there is no good reason to practise it. From a therapy standpoint, however, the reasons a person cheats do matter. If a person is happy in his or her human relationship and cheats as a way of exploring the self, the approach to healing is very different than with a person who cheats as a (misguided) way of addressing personal pathology, unresolved childhood trauma, emotional immaturity, or issues within the relationship.
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201806/4-reasons-why-infidelity-happens-even-in-happy
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